Stages of grief? 11-9-17

Sponsored by Chris on 9 November, 2017 Polycythemia Vera (PV) 1642 Views
Stages of grief? 11-9-17

It has been a while since my last update, I started a post but never ended up finishing it. The last time that I posted I noted that the doctor put my on an iron supplement once a day to help combat an iron deficiency tied in with my MPN and hopefully help with some of the fatigue that I have been feeling. He wanted me to start with one pill a day so that hopefully it did not mess with my hematocrit levels too much. He advised that I should have felt a difference within about 10 days and if not to step up the dose to the maximum of three times per day. Unfortunately on one pill a day I never really noticed a change so I stepped it up to two a day, one in the morning and one in the evening. I think I am starting to see a change.

My next monthly appointment was supposed to be Monday the 6th however I received a call from the doctor's office saying that my Dr. had a family emergency and my appointment was cancelled. They wanted to reschedule for an additional 4 weeks away. As soon as I got the message I called back but unfortunately the office was already closed. I left a message stating that I understand he had an emergency but that my concern with scheduling so far in the future was that I was just put on iron with a concern of raising my hematocrit levels. I received a call back on Monday the 6th and the lady stated that another Dr. looked over my records and agreed that I should be tested so now my appointment is on the 21st of November seeing a different doctor. Mostly just so they can get another blood test and find out if they need to phlebotomize again. I was frustrated with why they didn't look into it a little further before trying to get it another 4 weeks out but I guess it all worked out.

It has been two months to the day since I was diagnosed and while my treatment is all minor medications recently I have become annoyed with having to take it at all. I think a part of me is angry right now. It's almost like the stages of grief except I don't think I have ever been in denial. The thing is I feel for the most part I have done the right thing through my life. Don't get me wrong, I have made mistakes and done things I have not been proud of but I have lead a hard working, honest life. My father taught me that anything worth doing was worth doing right and I still live my life that way. I guess a part of me wants to know why I have to deal with all this, a question that I know will never be answered.  

A part of what is fueling my anger is that I work a full time job, was working a part time job (I have not worked it since I hit my head), running a small business and a farm and  now I can't really afford to get life insurance. I mean what company isn't going to charge a fortune for insurance when the big "C" word is involved even though this particular cancer had been said to have a long, mostly normal life. My best bet for life insurance right now is though USAA but I am barely making ends meet now. Then add on to that the confusion about all the different options for life insurance. How long should I get it for, what kind etc.etc.

I don't really see myself in the bargaining stage of grief, I know that I have this issue and that there is really nothing to be done to make it go away. Come right down to it I think I bounce from different stages leaving bargaining and denial out of it. I go back and forth between anger, sadness and acceptance. Although I think I have accepted that I have a form of cancer, it still pisses me off sometimes and other times, I think too much about it and get a bit down.

On a lighter side, I have gotten to do a few fun things recently, I went to a retirement party for a man at work and had a blast. I was out until 4am and I have not done that in ages, although I really paid for it later as it took about two days to recover. I got to go to another party, that was a combo kids birthday/adult get together type party. I tend to get a bit shy in groups that I don't really know but I did ok. I didn't use to be like that though I use to be a social person, I don't really know when that changed. I guess my point is I am trying to do things and get out more, I don't want this to consume me.

I will update again after I go in on the 21st. Hopefully the iron is not messing with my levels too much but if it is they will take more blood to balance everything out. Until next time.

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Chris

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